Month: August 2016

Stifled

Posted on by Dreams to Plans

Starting to feel the effects of no longer being in school. For over seven years I was surrounded by educators 24/7. When I wasn’t in class I was in the library. When I wasn’t in the library I was at work where I either worked for the college or the university. I was constantly surrounded by people who were striving for more trying to better their lives. But I didn’t take it for granted. I was aware of how unique my situation was and I soaked it up. This constant stream of inspiration is what got me through my education. I needed it. 

Now 8 months later, after I left my biggest source of inspiration, do I ever feel it big time. I feel stifled. I feel lost. I feel like I’ve stopped dreaming. Unsure what are my dreams and others dreams for me. I’ve lost the best parts of me. 8 months ago I’d describe myself as the girl who was willing to help anyone because, why not? I was happy to share my knowledge and resources and help a fellow classmate anyway possible. Now, I feel like that isn’t me. I can’t be bothered. I’m uninspired. Although that opportunity is no longer there since that is no longer my world. I need to find a new identity. A new world that excites me and makes me me. But I don’t really know where to begin. 

I just know I saw this quote just now and it struck a soft spot with me. 

Always to the right of the bigger picture

Posted on by Dreams to Plans

Traveling was an amazing experience. But I think it’s severely clouded my judgement of my life since I’ve been home. I’ve spent the last 11 months wishing I never left. Not appreciating the life I’m living right now. I always think of Budapest as everything. Although it was at the time, the whole intention of going away for 9 weeks was so that I would be ready to go all in for all the things I knew were ahead of me in the months to come (finishing my degree, finding a job post grad so the credibility of my degree would increase and not decrease over time). 

Not only did I find a job, I found and started a job the day after my degree finished. And then a series of horrible events took place, most of which I had no control over, which put me into a state of survival. And everyday I’ve wished to be back in the peace and serenity I found there.

But today I feel like such an idiot. I have still managed to do extraordinary things here since I got home despite the turmoil I feel. Budapest was THE dream which I accomplished. But not until re-reading my posts from traveling just now did it hit me: I am completely crushing all the goals in my life that I set out for myself when I was in Budapest. 

I got my degree, I got the job, I sold my car, I bought a car, I’m 85% done paying for my degree and 25% of the way to saving for a down payment on a house. I’m also surpassing my own expectations post grad. I never could have imagined the success I’ve been having this soon after finishing my degree in the work world. It’s evidence that everything I fought for, everything I gave up, was worth every minute and every penny. To start fresh somewhere new and to have people who believe in your skills and capabilities is unfathamable. 

So despite everything, I’m still killing my goals. I’m still flourishing. I’m still killin’ it. Budapest did exactly what it was supposed to and more. Maybe my real issue is that I’m still not challenging myself enough. Maybe that’s the point I should be seeing and not the one I’ve been saying for 11 months (I hate it here, I wish I could go back). The future is still exciting even though it feels like the big things are behind me. Bigger things are in the horizons. Maybe this is what it’s all been for. Maybe this is what life has prepared me for with a combination of m my experience and education. Maybe this is exactly where im supposed to be. If it wasn’t, all of these tragic things surely would ended me.